For, if there are men who by
force of will do one thing only at a time, there are men who from lack
of will do now one thing, now another; with equal intensity. To
such natures, to be gripped by the Nemesis which attends the lack of
self-control is no reason for being more self-controlled. Rather does it
foster their pet feeling: "What matter? To-morrow we die!" The effort
of will required to go to Keith had relieved, exhausted and exasperated
him. In accordance with those three feelings was the progress of his
walk. He started from the door with the fixed resolve to go home and
stay there quietly till Keith came. He was in Keith's hands, Keith would
know what was to be done. But he had not gone three hundred yards before
he felt so utterly weary, body and soul, that if he had but had a pistol
in his pocket he would have shot himself in the street. Not even the
thought of the girl--this young unfortunate with her strange devotion,
who had kept him straight these last five months, who had roused in him
a depth of feeling he had never known before--would have availed against
that sudden black defection. Why go on--a waif at the mercy of his own
nature, a straw blown here and there by every gust which rose in him?
Why not have done with it for ever, and take it out in sleep?
He was approaching the fatal street, where he and the girl, that early
morning, had spent the hours clutched together, trying in the refuge of
love to forget for a moment their horror and fear.
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