I felt the sense of danger and impending calamity, and I
had the curious feeling, too, that I alone could avert it, alone could
grapple with it. But I was out of the game now. How could it be
otherwise? It was not likely that Cabinet Ministers and Admiralty
Lords and Generals would admit me to their councils.
I actually began to wish that I could run up against one of my
three enemies. That would lead to developments. I felt that I
wanted enormously to have a vulgar scrap with those gentry, where
I could hit out and flatten something. I was rapidly getting into a
very bad temper.
I didn't feel like going back to my flat. That had to be faced
some time, but as I still had sufficient money I thought I would put
it off till next morning, and go to a hotel for the night.
My irritation lasted through dinner, which I had at a restaurant
in Jermyn Street. I was no longer hungry, and let several courses
pass untasted. I drank the best part of a bottle of Burgundy, but it
did nothing to cheer me. An abominable restlessness had taken
possession of me. Here was I, a very ordinary fellow, with no
particular brains, and yet I was convinced that somehow I was
needed to help this business through--that without me it would all
go to blazes. I told myself it was sheer silly conceit, that four or
five of the cleverest people living, with all the might of the British
Empire at their back, had the job in hand.
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