But there is no question of seniority about it. I am
accustomed to carry through anything that I have determined upon, and I
take no notice of objections. What you do not know about Runeberg's
life, you can read up in a literary history. And if you can give a
successful lecture to a private audience, you can give one in a theatre
hall. I am interested in you, I am depending on you, I take your promise
with me. Good-bye!"
This so-called promise became a regular nightmare to me, young and
absolutely untried as I was. It did not even occur to me to work up and
improve my lecture on Runeberg, for the very thought of appearing before
a large audience alarmed me and was utterly intolerable to me. During
the whole of my first stay in Paris I was so tormented by the consent
that Orla Lehmann had extorted from me, that it was a shadow over my
pleasure. I would go happy to bed and wake up in the middle of the night
with the terror of a debtor over something far off, but surely
threatening, upon me, seek in my memory for what it was that was
troubling me, and find that this far-off, threatening thing was my
promise to Lehmann. It was only after my return home that I summoned up
courage to write to him, pleading my youth and unfitness, and begging to
be released from the honourable but distasteful duty.
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