It was such a feeling as when the death of some
loved person puts an end to the long, tormenting anxiety of the
foregoing illness. I, who had centred everything round one thought, must
now start joylessly along new paths. My outburst,--which astonished
myself,--was:
"How I wanted a heart!"
V.
I could not at once feel it a relief that my fancies had all been
dissipated into thin air. Physically I was much broken down, but, with
my natural elasticity, quickly recovered. Yet in my relations towards
the other sex I was torn as I had never been before. My soul, or more
exactly, that part of my psychical life bordering on the other sex, was
like a deep, unploughed field, waiting for seed.
It was not much more than a month before the field was sown. Amongst my
Danish acquaintances there was only one, a young and very beautiful
widow, upon whom, placed as I was with regard to Mile. Mathilde, I had
definitely counted. I should have taken the young Spaniard to her; she
alone would have understood her--they would have been friends.
There had for a long time been warm feelings of sympathy between her and
me. It so chanced that she drew much closer to me immediately after the
decisive word had been spoken. She became, consequently, the only one to
whom I touched upon the wild fancies to which I had given myself up, and
confided the dreams with which I had wasted my time.
Pages:
267
268
269
270
271
272
273
274
275
276
277
278
279
280
281
282
283
284
285
286
287
288
289
290
291