She only busied my brain.
In the condition of boyish self-inquisition in which I then found
myself, this acquaintance was a fresh element of fermentation, and the
strongest to which my self-examination had hitherto been subjected. I
instinctively desired to engage her fancy; but my attitude was from
myself through her to myself. I wanted less to please than to dominate
her, and as it was only my head that was filled with her image, I wholly
lacked the voluntary and cheerful self-humiliation which is an element
of real love. I certainly wished with all my heart to fascinate her; but
what I more particularly wanted was to hold my own, to avoid submission,
and retain my independence. My boyish pride demanded it.
The young foreigner, whose knowledge of the world was hardly greater
than my own, had certainly never, during her short life, come in contact
with so extraordinary a phenomenon; it afforded matter for reflection.
She certainly felt attracted, but, woman-like, was on her guard. She was
of a quiet, amiable disposition, innocently coquettish, naturally
adapted for the advances of sound common sense and affectionate good-
will, not for the volts of passion; she was, moreover, femininely
practical.
She saw at a glance that this grown-up schoolboy, who almost staggered
her with his eloquence, his knowledge, his wild plans for the future,
was no wooer, and that his advances were not to be taken too seriously.
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