XX.
The first element whence the imaginary figure which I fancied I
recognized again in Lermontof had its rise was doubtless to be found in
the relations between my older friend and myself (in the reversal of our
roles, and my consequent new feeling of superiority over him). The
essential point, however, was not the comparatively accidental shape in
which I fancied I recognised myself, but that what was at that time
termed _reflection_ had awaked in me, introspection, self-
consciousness, which after all had to awake some day, as all other
impulses awake when their time comes. This introspection was not,
however, by any means a natural or permanent quality in me, but on the
contrary one which made me feel ill at ease and which I soon came to
detest. During these transitional years, as my pondering over myself
grew, I felt more and more unhappy and less and less sure of myself. The
pondering reached its height, as was inevitable, when there arose the
question of choosing a profession and of planning the future rather than
of following a vocation. But as long as this introspection lasted, I had
a torturing feeling that my own eye was watching me, as though I were a
stranger, a feeling of being the spectator of my own actions, the
auditor of my own words, a double personality who must nevertheless one
day become one, should I live long enough.
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